I used to say yes to almost every invite or request, personally and professionally, because I thought I should. My identity was wrapped up in people pleasing and workaholism, but I have learned that saying yes all the time is a recipe for stress and overwhelm. I knew I couldn’t be the only person struggling with this, so I am sharing some tips on how I learned to say no to others so I could start saying yes to myself.

  1. Be aware of your commitments and where you are spending your time and energy. I used color-coded excel spreadsheets to track my time by category, but I imagine there are many time management-tracking tools available if spreadsheets aren’t your thing.
  2. Determine what your goals are. Do you have a work-related goal, a personal growth goal, a physical goal or a combination of several goals? My goals were to honor my own needs for downtime while still running Serenity Now Massage Therapy at a successful level.
  3. Ask yourself questions about each commitment. Does saying yes directly impact my goal? Does saying no negatively impact my goal? Does saying yes bring me joy?
  4. Start by saying no to the easiest things first. For me, group networking events were the easiest thing to let go of and where I began. Later, I began honoring my body’s limits with the number of massage clients I saw each week, became super selective with my social time and eventually stepped down from my role as a weekly talk radio host.
  5. Write scripts for saying no. Create a written guide for how you will say no in various scenarios.
  6. Less is more when saying no. This is a hard concept for recovering people pleasers, but we don’t have to explain ourselves. “No” can be a complete sentence.
  7. Don’t immediately respond to every request. Reply with something like “Let me think on that, and I’ll get back to you.” That gives you time to decide if it’s something you want to say yes to and to formulate your “no” response if you determine it’s not a good fit for you.
  8. Listen to your intuition. Often you will know right away that you don’t want to say yes. Listen to what your body and mind are telling you.

In closing, if there is no goal-oriented reason to say yes and it doesn’t bring you joy, then not honoring your needs and saying yes typically turns into stress and overwhelm down the road. Saying no is difficult at first, but it does get easier. Since I’ve learned how to say no to the things that don’t propel me towards my goals or bring me joy, I am finding I am much happier and my energy levels are improving. You have the power to make these changes, too, if it’s something you struggle with.

If you’d like to hear more about how I learned to say no, you can listen to the full 25-minute show “How to Say No When You’re an Over-Committed People Please” online at www.serenitynowmassageandwellness.com/ep34/.

Published in Cornelius Lakeside Living Magazine August 2019.